I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
You were trust falling into bushes
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
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