I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Randomize
