Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
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