he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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