She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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