it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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