Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
high people should be assigned attendants
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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