How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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