there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
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