I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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