That's intense
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
