yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
