you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize