GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
