i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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