Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
