look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
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