i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
