you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
