Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
