I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
