The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
