Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
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