You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
