she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
