im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
