I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Let's paint friendship bongs
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
