if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
