Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
