You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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