You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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