I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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