Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
