this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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