Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Randomize
