i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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