Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
