I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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