It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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