I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
She said her name was "party"
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
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