I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
