I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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