I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize