Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
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