Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Randomize
