This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
