at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
