It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
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