Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
