Swine flu. Run for my life!
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
