Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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