I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Randomize
