I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Randomize
