my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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