I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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