Don't make out with my wife yet
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
