I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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