I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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