You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
