also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
