worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
